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| Almost 4 Months |
| 11.03.04 (9:54 am) [edit] |
Well it has been quite some time since I last posted.
I've been so busy trying to do so many things plus, my job. Goodness talk about passing of the days.
Well, I am almost 4 months. Not showing yet, but I'm getting there. My last appt was at 12 wks, and well the greatest thing happened. :) I got to hear the baby's heartbeat and it was wonderful. My Boyfriend was with me and we both got all excited and goofy cause we heard the little heartbeat. It was so wonderful. I can't really explain how I felt. It was just beautiful. :D
My mother is still fighting this whole thing. So we really aren't on the best of terms right now.
Finally, getting over morning sickness, somewhat. Thank goodness, cause I hated being sick in the mornings and all day long. That was just not fun. Now it comes and goes. he he he
The boyfriend and I have decided on names for the baby, and we have the strongest feeling that the baby is going to be a girl. Don't know why. I just feel this way, and so does the BF, even though he's hoping for a boy. :lol:
Everything though is going fine, and I am a very happy person. :) A lot of my friends are happy for me and keep asking about the baby. Come 16-20 weeks and we will be able to tell what we are having. I cna't wait till that. :)
We're just going to see what the baby is so that we can be prepared. :) After all, it is my first, and they deserve the best. :)
Well that's enough for now. I will try to write more and the pregnancy progresses. :)
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| Another Blog |
| 09.17.04 (5:42 pm) [edit] |
To continue off of my last blog, I have my first doctors appt next week to determine exactly how far along I am in my conception. he he he
Everyone says it has to be a month, and I do think they are right. ;)
I don't know how females before me have managed to do the pregnancy thing. I haven't even started experiencing anything yet, besides being tired all the time, and hungry.
The most horrible thing happened the other night. :shock:
I had to get up and eat at midnight!!!! I never, ever, ever eat that late, and the reason why is because my growing baby was demanding either I feed it or I hurl all night long and get no rest. Talk about irritating. Especially when you have to go running that morning at 0530. Definitely irritating. lol
It's ok though. I think this is something that just takes getting use too. lol he he he Or so I'm told.
Well as for family and friend status, my pregnancy has come out and most everyone is supportive except for those few who just see me being pregnant as the end of the world.
My mother has disowned me because I am not doing what "she wants me to do" which is have an abortion. I'm sorry but as my own personal belief, I don't believe in it. Anyone else, hey that's their buisiness, know what I mean? As for me, I don't. My mother has been a bomb of negativity. She has degraded me, put me down, told me that I am incapable of raising a child, even though I have the income, secure job, medical and dental, plus a home with electricity and running water. All of which in the future my child will never lack. I am more capable of providing for my child then she ever has raising me and my brother.
There were winters where all we had to warm us was our covers. The house was the same temperature as outside. We had no water or electricity for days at a time. We lived off of rice and peanut butter crackers for a month. That was just life though. Some things can't always be perfect and shit happens. I don't hold it against my mother, but at least, me as the adult I am now, and the responsibility I hold now, I know my child will never experience these types of discomforts or misfortunes that I had. It won't happen.
So for her to tell me basically that I would be a horrible mother, am irresponsible, and basically just plain naive and stupid, she really has no room to talk.
I have a man who loves me, and takes very good care of me. Makes sure that I am ok, that makes sure the growing baby inside is ok, and that I am watching what I do, and making sure I eat the right things and kisses my stomach every night before we go to bed, how am I bad off. I have the maturity, the responsibleness, and the ablility to be a mom. How am I going to be inept? My mothers negativity eventually led to her disowning me and my child. My mothers harsh words, and malicious manner, wounded me more than anything I have ever known, because my mother was the one who raised me as a child, with no help from anyone. I don't understand why she's being the way she is. I can understand the initial shock thing, but not this type of treatment.
How am I suppose to tell my child in the future that their grandmother doesn't want to see them cause she thought I should have aborted them? I can't. I hope in time she comes around but if not, then a part of me will die, because my mom has been there for me my whole life and the most important time in my life, she disowns me. I don't think anything can beat that pain, and hurt.
Anyways, I just wanted to share this so that I no longer stressed about it.
Avarice, I am sorry if you are disappointed in me and all. I just wanted you to be happy for me. Cause I was hoping that one day you might grace us with your presence and help me remember a couple of lullabies. ;)
I mean, after all, you are a rockstar, and I know that soft stuff isn't your focal point of singing, but your voice sounds better than mine. he he he. ;)
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| Good news and a Warmed Heart |
| 09.03.04 (6:10 pm) [edit] |
It is amazing the blessings that one receives in life.
Not always at the right time or how you planned but in the end the blessing itself outweighs ones "set life map"
I have found out that I will be a mother in 9 months.
Quite a shock I had but in the end I am now happy.
As for the father, needless to say, he was bouncing off the walls with joy and, hugging me and telling me he loved me.
I was very shocked at this display of joy and to realize that not all guys are the same, and that I have indeed found me a wonderful man and am very lucky. lol
I have the support of a lot of people but my mother is one who speaks only negatives to me about this blessing.
Yesterday, I spent the whole day arguing with her, and listen to her belittle me for being pregnant, and how I would not provide for my child or raise it right.
I will state right now, I am 23 years old, with a steady job, I have been living on my own since 19 years, provided my own food, clothing, transportation, paid bills and have grown up a great deal. Plus, I'm in the Military, and it is not an easy thing. I have done what only 2 people in my family, out of 15, have not, and that is not have a child in my teens, not be divorced at 21, graduate from HS with a real degree and not a GED, and am in a position where I won't have to worry about struggling to the next paycheck, whether or not there will be food on the table for my child, and all the other negatives that I have seen, experienced and known.
So my mother being all negative to me, when she can not say that she has accomplished any of the above, well, I find that very hurtful, and it makes me very mad.
Anyways, I have many friends and family who are in support of me, and I am very happy that I am expecting, and yes, I am ready for this big step in life. I am not a child despite my age. In actuality, I grew out of the party mode, and deliquent mode when I hit 22.
I just wanted to share my news, cause I am happy and I am blessed
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| From the Darkness into the Light |
| 08.18.04 (7:17 pm) [edit] |
It has been too long since I gazed at the night
The moon is not the same hue as I rememberThe stars are not as bright as I once thought.
I feel like a stranger in a forest I use to call home
I was one with the night once upon a time.
I mourn the loss.
I mourn the slight caress of the night wind upon my face.
I weep bitter tears at the loss of tranquility under the star studded sky.
Why, I ask myself, do I weep over the loss of the night,
When I am finally walking into the light.
Perchance I have known the darkness so long,
That the light now burns me even as I embrace it.
I have found the light and bathe in it's warm comforting arms.
Yet, I look back and the darkness beckons,
Even though knowing,
That it is no longer my home.
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| Betrayal |
| 07.13.04 (7:28 pm) [edit] |
I gaze at the moon,
In the star studded sky.
I raise my hands,
Beckoning for the nights embrace.
A soul piercing wail,
Shatters the silence of the forest.
My eyes beseech the heavens,
As tears of ice glide down my cheeks.
My chest aches with each tear within my soul.
My heart weeps crimson tears.
Why have you left me, my love?
Was my touch not warm and smooth,
Upon your skin.
Did my lips caressing your chest not
Set aflame the blood in your veins.
Did my confession of love,
Not tempt your heart.
Why have you left me, my love?
Why leave me to a cold and barren life.
To the darkness, as it creeps closer
to my soul.
Why have you left me, my love?
I know. . . . . . .it was for her.
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| Back From Home!!! |
| 07.06.04 (6:02 pm) [edit] |
Well I am now back from home and it was actually a really good trip. Things were accomplished and I was able to relax in the process. lol :D
Everything was different this time around, like the families attitude, and my Mother, and a lot of other things. :wink:
Though I am glad to be home now. I loved being home with the family and all that but, I have to admit,
Texas doesn't have anything on Hawaii. he he he.
Well that's it for now. I will write more in my blog when I have more time. lol
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| Going Home for A Vacation |
| 06.15.04 (11:48 am) [edit] |
It's been a long time since I last wrote. Rather than write a poem, I figured I would write about my day before heading home.
I head out tonight to the airport. Heading back to visit the family in Texas.
My mother is driving me crazy already and I'm not even home yet. lol It's ok though. It's "Mom".
I get to see my brother who has been in Iraq for the past year.
As much as I dread going home, I look forward to it as well. You know how the family always has some kind of drama swirling around in the undercurrents of gossip and family secrets. To have to deal with that when I go home makes me cringe. I know most families now a days are naturally dysfunctional whether it be mild or totally extreme, but it's like my family thrives on it.
If it's not one thing it's another and they always try to suck me and my brother into the middle of things when we are home on leave.
I can honestly say that my life for the past three months has been drama free, and well I'm ot one to deal with crap like that anymore. I'm afraid the family will be in for a rude awakening when my opinion is asked.
See my family is the type to be all smiley and care free on the outside, but underneath that facade is deceit, lies, and backstabbing. Goodness, it sucks, but that's ok.
I'm sure I'll have a wonderful time while I'm on leave. All I have is my brother and my Mom. lol :)
Well I think that it's for now. lol Gosh I'm so nervous. lol I don't know why. I guess it's because I havne't gone home in a year and a half. lol
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| No More |
| 05.21.04 (11:06 pm) [edit] |
Release me!
I beg you.
From these chains that shackle my soul.
End these feelings that bombard my heart.
Ease this raging fire that I writhe in.
Give me peace!
From my traitorous heart.
Silence these words that pour from my lips.
Keep quiet these whispers of hope in my mind.
Deny me the ability to feel.
If only to keep me from feeling too much.
Freeze the tears in my eyes,
So that all may fall are crystals,
That resounds upon the floor,
And not the sound of rain.
Be still the wondrous stirrings
He has caused.
So that I may sleep without dreams.
Be still my love,
So that it may not go unreturned.
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| Nightly Cravings |
| 05.18.04 (7:38 pm) [edit] |
In the stillness of the night,
My body quakes, hungering for your touch.
I crave the feel of your hands upon my aching body.
My lips quiver in anticipation of your kiss,
As my breath quickens from the feel of your body upon mine.
My heart beats erratically as you begin to bring me to new heights.
I moan with pleasure as you expertly,
Stoke the fire that is consuming me from within,
And I cry out with ecstasy,
As you fill my most intimate of places.
Slowly, you bring my body to a state of bliss,
Even as you tantalize me with your soul consuming kiss.
The earth shakes and the stars burst before my eyes,
As I plummet into a sea of rapture with a soul shattering cry.
In the end,
I lay curled in your arms listening to the rhythm of your heart,
And wonder how I will live with us being apart.
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| Midnight Embrace |
| 05.18.04 (7:35 pm) [edit] |
He speaks to me in the night.
Caressing my body and holding me tight.
He whispers to me of the darkness
That would envelop me in his embrace.
He hides in the shadows,
Never seeing his face.
He beckons me into his arms.
Slowly, but surely, enfolding me in his charm.
I sigh as he holds me close,
Feeling a sense of home that I have longed for most.
My cry of pain and pleasure mingle with the night wind,
As I finally see a world that I have never been.
Here in the shadows I become an angel of the night.
No longer living my desolate and once solitary life.
NightsEmbrace
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| Night Desires |
| 05.17.04 (11:47 pm) [edit] |
In the ensuing silence of the night,
Unbeknownst to you,
I lay awake aching and yearning.
This passion made fire consumes me,
And sears me to my soul.
A fire that has no extinguisher,
Except for your very touch.
I know no peace in these lonely filled nights,
As I lie here hungering for you.
Wishing you would appear,
And ease this devouring need.
You torture me with your teasing,
You render me helpless with your encompassing gaze.
You unnerve me with the closeness of your body.
You disrupt the very ground that I walk upon.
I am gripped with feelings,
That is new and confusing to me.
Yet, I am falling into the very essence that is you,
And know not what to do.
My desire grows each passing day,
Becoming more difficult to keep at bay.
You invade my dreams,
Making no escape from the stirrings.
Still,
I lie here,
Wondering if you will come.
Wondering when the torture will end.
Asking myself,
If I am playing the fool again.
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| How Do I Tell |
| 05.17.04 (11:10 pm) [edit] |
How do I tell of the feelings,
That possess no words with which to describe.
Shall I stumble through this explaination,
So that you may, perhaps, grasp what I am struggling to say.
Shall I attempt to tell you,
Of the emotions that you evoke from the recess of my soul merely by your presence.
Shall I strive to tell you,
Of the fire that courses through and sears my veins,
From your gaze that you consume me with.
Shall I endeavor to speak of the life,
That my body is awakening to after many years.
Shall I tell you of this ache,
That racks my body in the stillness of the night.
Shall I tell you,
Of how your touch causes my being to quake with hunger.
Shall I tell you,
Of how your kiss causes the stars to burst before my eyes,
And the moon to eclipse in the night sky.
Shall I speak,
Of how my body quivers against yours,
As you delve deeper into my soul.
Shall I tell you,
In hopes that you understand.
Shall I tell you,
In hopes that your body also sings in harmony with mine.
NightsEmbrace
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| Wishes |
| 05.17.04 (10:48 pm) [edit] |
All I want is to be happy.
All I need is peace.
I wish for the tears to stop,
And for this pain to cease.
All I need is you.
NightsEmbrace
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| Heartbreak |
| 05.17.04 (12:02 am) [edit] |
Tears of blood seep from my heart.
A shadow settles upon my soul.
Agony splinters my thoughts.
Sorrow grips my being.
Falling to the ground upon broken legs.
My cry of despair resonates in the wind.
Clouds enshroud the moon to hide my pain.
Crippled and dying in a barren field;
My spirit breaking is the only sound.
My heart begins to falter within my chest.
I know, soon, the pain will end.
What ails me,
You may want to ask.
Must you though.
Have you never loved?
NightsEmbrace
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| Random Thoughts |
| 05.14.04 (6:50 pm) [edit] |
Night sets in.
Shadows dance upon the walls.
Rain thrums upon my roof.
The wind howls unendingly.
It reminds me of the darkness that resides in my heart.
All I hear are my tears like raindrops upon the windows glass.
The piercing cry of my soul echos through the barren halls of my being.
The fireplace flickers, as the flames dance upon my face.
Loneliness consumes me in its cool fire.
Eating at the light, that is now darkness.
I feel nothing.
I taste nothing.
I am alone.
-NightsEmbrace
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| I have not seen thee after long years, How should I greet thee but with silence and tears -Byron |
| 05.08.04 (7:30 pm) [edit] |
It has been a while since I last posted.
Its amazing I think the people you will run into again after many many years. It seems to me as of late that a lot of old friends from 3 to 9 years ago are surfacing in my life and it's quite amazing.
I will sit on the phone and remenisce about old times. :lol: It's quite funny and embarassing some of the things I use to do or say when I was growing up.
I've reconnected with about 4 people from when I was in North Carolina going through HS. Also, some old friends from 3 years ago who remember me as a softie.
After talking about the old days and hanging up the phone, I sit back and examine how much I've grown and changed as well as my old friends. It's simply amazing the paths that life takes you on and the experiences that you go through. How it changes not only you but the path you will travel in the future.
Well if you've run into some old friends or noticed changes, just write and let me know what you think. :wink:
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| Passions of Christ |
| 04.23.04 (2:56 pm) [edit] |
I am writing about the movie the Passions of Christ.
Now, I went and saw this movie when it first came out, and just for those who don't know, I am not a religious person.
Do I believe in God you may ask. Yes, I do, though I believe in my own way, and do not follow a specific religion. I don't think I need someone else to tell me how to love God and believe in him.
Anyways, I have not had the pleasure of reading the Bible and when I saw this movie I must say that it made quite an impact on me.
For those who have not seen this movie yet, it is not for children, and is very graphic, and very impressionable. Very emotional. If a person walks out without shedding one tear, then something is seriously wrong with that person. Honestly.
I have to say that while watching this movie I cried like a little girl, and could not help it. It's not sugar coated and done up, with movie effects. It's a very "blunt" movie, if there is such a thing.
After seeing this movie, it made me rethink a lot of things. All for the better, and gave me a different perspective to certain things. I will not go into detail cause it is not important to others my personal thoughts.
I would like to say though, that I do recommend seeing this movie. Those who have an open mind. It's very well put together and from what I could gather, was not hyped up or blown out of perspective. I think Mel Gibson did a good job in producing and directing this movie.
I would greatly enjoy any comments others might have.
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| Unspoken Words |
| 04.21.04 (2:46 pm) [edit] |
Why does my heart mourn
What was never truly mine?
Why does my soul weep in despair
From the distance that lies between us?
Why do the tears come so easily now
When before they never came at all?
Why do I love that
Which has never truly loved me?
Why do I speak of this
When you will never hear.
By: NightsEmbrace
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| Shattered Mirror |
| 04.17.04 (2:14 am) [edit] |
The heart aches . . . the heart bleeds.
The soul tears . . . the soul weeps.
Time stops for an instant,
As the course of a life is changed forever.
So brief is the moment.
Yet, in the pool of a heart,
A ripple so minute shatters the tranquility of love.
The heart aches . . . the heart bleeds.
The soul tears . . . the soul weeps.
In a world of broken mirrors,
Another splinters, distorting the image that was once whole.
The heart aches . . . the heart bleeds.
The soul tears . . . the soul weeps.
And the pain is unbearable.
By: NightsEmbrace
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| School |
| 04.16.04 (11:29 pm) [edit] |
I just recently started college, and am taking English 101. My degree will be in Secondary Education, to be a High School teacher for English. :)
Our assignment for the next class is to write a narrative on a memory that we have of our life, no matter what it is.
My memories are good, but mostly are hard to think about, much less discuss. Yet, I find myself contemplating whether to write about the hard and difficult memories, if only to alieviate the ghosts that still remain within my mind, and hinder me from moving on in some portion of my life.
Will it help to discuss them? Will it make the burden lighter? Will I feel more at ease within my soul and heart? I wonder, and won't know until I do.
I would like anyone's input if this type of issue has ever come across your path, and how it has helped if it did.
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| Feelings |
| 04.16.04 (3:00 pm) [edit] |
I want you to feel what I feel.
I want you to feel the grief that courses through my soul.
To feel the way my heart clenches in pain.
To feel the anger, and sorrow that intermingle,
Blinding me with an emotion that is indescribeable.
I want you to feel the disappointment I feel.
I want you to feel the ache that resonates in my heart.
To feel the tightening of your chest, when you realize I don't miss you.
To feel the welling of tears in your eyes, when I don't inquire about you.
I want you to feel what I fee.
I want you to feel lost, just as I do.
I want you to feel forgotten, as I feel forgotten.
I want you to feel all this;
But you never will.
Your heart is as cold and barren,
As I feel without you.
:cry:
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